* Suffering in the hell of past stories * The ego's self-repair programme * Mental suffering and physical illness * Why should we forgive? * The liberating practice of forgiveness *
On the porch of our own hell..
Often we feel depressed, lethargic because we are wrestling with the ghosts of our grievances and resentments; and in this hopeless struggle we burn up our life energies. Perhaps we are at war with ourselves, we lack self-confidence, or someone has wronged us in the past, or done us an injustice, and we cannot forgive them. Something has happened that has scarred our carefully nurtured ego, and our soul is bleeding, suffering and scorched. It may have been a single stinging sentence, a few seconds of a very unpleasant event, but we replay the story over and over in our minds. In a voice of resentment, we engage in internal dialogue, or even loudly argue with our absent opponent, defending our truth, patching up our already brain-stained little selves. In truth, the event lasted only a fleeting moment, but we relive it again and again, projecting it onto the screen of our minds as a never-ending story. The mind makes no distinction between reality and imagination, so the incident happens to us again and again each time we relive it.
"How dare this pompous man insult me, me like this? How could he do this to me? But I'll show him!..."- you are filled with shame, anger, unquenchable rage and a desire for revenge. Your stomach clenches, your throat clenches in an unstoppable lump and you feel the choke of tears. Though the unpleasant incident is long past, the battle still rages in your mind. You rewrite the script of the memory of the past grievance, giving answers you didn't give then, and launching a bloody vendetta in a future that isn't there now. The reality is that you are caught up in the drama of a film of your own making, while in a sea of strong emotions your energies are ebbing and flowing, dissipating in the battlefield of your mind.
The anger raging inside you poisons the past, steals the present moment and makes your future fearful.
The ego's self-repair programme
When these powerful, negative thoughts and emotions obscure the sky of your consciousness like dark clouds, you enter a kind of dream, painting over reality through a dark sleepy-eye. You are not only poisoning yourself, but also your environment. You no longer see what is, but through these dark glasses everything and everyone is against you, dark and evil. It seems your boss is deliberately preying on you. And because you don't dare to defy him, you go home and "dump the dirt" at home. You project your emotions onto your family, so they get the short end of the stick. Your child is actually nice, but you see him as annoying you; you see your wife as an insufferable harpy, and so it's no wonder you yell at them, you are violent. You project your negative emotions onto your environment.The wounded little self, the ego, is initially overcome with a sense of shame, feeling defeated, inferior to its opponent. Then it convulses and starts to defend itself: and with an angry inner dialogue, it speaks its own truth, and its anger turns to attack and revenge. This consumes enormous life energy. You cannot admit to yourself and to those around you that you have been wronged, and this causes you deep down spiritual pain and suffering.
Mental suffering and physical illness
In our culture, emotions are taboo to live and express, so you cover them up and then repress them into the depths of the unconscious, where these destructive emotions want to erupt like volcanoes, so it takes more and more energy to keep them in the depths. You can't swallow what's happening, so your throat chokes; you can't digest it, so your stomach clenches; you put up a barrier to love, so your heart feels icy waves; your body muscles are in spasmodic tension. And if you've pushed many of these destructive emotions into the depths of your unconscious, you can become depressed, which can manifest as chronic fatigue, alienation from your environment, and a grumpy, hostile, grumpy "mourner". You think the world has declared war on you, but in reality you are at war with yourself and the world.
Over time, repressed, destructive emotions can lead to physical symptoms and often serious illness. Nowadays, countless medical researches and studies confirm that the diseases of our civilisation are mostly psychological (psychosomatic) in origin. Our repressed, destructive emotions eventually take on a war with the host body and lead inexorably to disease. Clearly, it is not only in our spiritual or psychological "interest" to pull out the fangs of these, but we also need to practice forgiveness to prevent or cure physical illnesses.
Why should we forgive?
"Why should I forgive at all? He violated my self-esteem, he trampled on my soul, he was unfair to me, he took advantage of me and acted maliciously!" the angry and resentful mind, the little me nagging inside us, snarls.
Although it knows and feels that it has thus poisoned the memories of the past, robbing you of your attention from the present moment (from what is really important!) and setting up a terrifying future image in its vengefulness, it actually enjoys it. The ego feeds on the feelings of shame, anger, defensiveness and attack, the thirst for revenge, that swirl inside you.
Although it thinks it has broken up with its opponent for good, it is in fact these very emotions that forge the offender and the offended into a close relationship. You don’t let go of past grievances; instead, you dwell on them, allowing them to consume you. You revisit the offender and the grievance repeatedly, reinforcing the destructive nature of this relationship. And the physical and psychological damage is on your account: you pay a heavy price.
You need to understand that both you and your opponent did what you thought was good, beneficial and safe for yourselves at your level of consciousness at the time. The incident did not happen for the sake of anger and animosity, but because your insidious little fear-fuelled selves clashed. And when two egos clash, war breaks out. The ego feeds on suffering, making you physically and mentally ill.
Release the destructive emotions so that you can be free too
According to a Zen story, an anxious samurai was impatient to find out whether there was a heaven and a hell. Once he heard about a master, he impatiently sought him out and asked him, shouting:
-Tell me, is there really heaven and hell?
-Who are you?- asked the master
-I am a samurai- said the warrior.
-And why do you act like a madman?
The samurai became very angry and drew his sword to cut off the master's head in one blow. At the clash of swords, the master looked up and said softly:
-Here opens the gates of hell!
The samurai then understood the message and humbly lowered his sword. And the master said:
-And here opens the gates of heaven...
You have to let go of the destructive emotions, the anger, the resentment that are being stirred up and not allowing you to live in the present moment.
You must set them free so that you can be free.
I suggest you find a quiet, calm place and do the practice of forgiveness. Remember that the mind does not distinguish between real experience and imagination, so when you forgive someone in your imagination, you are also letting go of the destructive emotions you feel towards them:
Breathe deep, sigh big.
Scan your body with your attention and allow your body parts to relax deeply. And when you are deeply relaxed, search your memory for the person you are accusing, the person you have serious resentments against. Imagine and mentally apologize to him or her for having angered you. Tell him that you know that both of you, at the ego level of consciousness, did what you thought was best and safe for you at the time. Now you forgive yourself and him; with a friendly hug:
"I accept and love you as you are. I forgive myself and I forgive you. I set you free, because in doing so I become free too."
You might as well write a letter. A letter in which you pour your heart out, honestly writing down how you feel. Don't hold back, even if it's pages and pages of emotions. Write them out until you feel relieved. And when you're relieved, tear up the letter, burn it - you've done what you had to do.
There is something magically liberating about learning to say "I'm sorry" with sincerity. The ego battle inside you subsides, you forgive the weaknesses of yourself and your fellow human beings, you let go of the ghosts of the past and liberate the future, and you find freedom and joy in the present moment. You cross a threshold and walk through the gates of heaven on earth.
Excerpt from the book "The Mysteries of Consciousness” by Ervin Kery